Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
I am so proud to call you my friend
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.