It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have tasted many bathrooms
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.