I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
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