At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Loading more great texts...