I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.