Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.