They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.