so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?