Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.