Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?