From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?