I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode