I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes