It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
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