I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.