you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
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just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
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