So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety