btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.