I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
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Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.