Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...