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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You need a sexual gate keeper
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
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