Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?