If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?