You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?