I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"