I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.