At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.