You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.