I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
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Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.