The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.