Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT