The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
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