I touched a dick in church today
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask