Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
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