I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway