Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.