Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.