I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!