So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?