No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.