You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo