I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.