it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.