I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good