I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.