Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming