I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge