Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.