My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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I supernannyed him into submission
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.