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Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
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