is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Send us your Text From Last Night!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
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