One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
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