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i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
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