I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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