I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
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