My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy