I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.