I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
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I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
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