I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
sex on a bike is impossible
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..