You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.