He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card