I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life