So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza