I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
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