that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!