His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?