just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
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dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
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