mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
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