When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?