My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
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please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon