Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.