Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.