And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.