I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.