I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.