highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK