Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
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GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.