We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.