dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Spanking with handcuffs?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You ruined the universe
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.