Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.