Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.