My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.