After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot