Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment