The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"