He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.