I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.