I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy