Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
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A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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