I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You are a genius and a whore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.