What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.