I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.