no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i will never coherently bang her
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
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