I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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