I party with great urgency now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone