Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol