Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras