Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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